


Frusterated (and ashamed?)

by espers770



Category: SPY x FAMILY (Manga)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Denial of Feelings, F/M, Fake Marriage, Fluff, HE LOVES HIS WIFE, Marriage, Mutual Pining, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Not Canon Compliant, POV Multiple, POV Third Person Limited, Pining, Sexual Tension, Sexual frusteration, Unresolved Romantic Tension, Unresolved Sexual Tension, so much tension in general, twilight got blue balled LMAO
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-07
Updated: 2020-10-07
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:54:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,531
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26831725
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/espers770/pseuds/espers770
Summary: If there's one rule of thumb to being a spy it's "do NOT become attached." It applies to places, belongings, emotions...and most importantly people. Loid Forger, world renown spy "Twilight" upheld this code with fervor until recently. Now a bottle of wine and a kiss that almost was have turned his mind into a war zone.Based on my all time favoite SxF chapter, chapter 13, specifically what I imagined the aftermath to be likealternatively Yor makes her husband into a gushy mess when he sees her.
Relationships: Loid Forger | Twilight/Yor Briar Forger | Thorn Princess
Comments: 17
Kudos: 93





	Frusterated (and ashamed?)

Loid Forger is not frustrated.

He's a family man, he has a loving wife and daughter, a well paying job and everything he could ask for.

Twilight is not frustrated. He's a spy, and a damn good one, with nothing holding him back.

Whoever is currently staring back at him in the mirror, that man is frustrated. He'd like to imagine his disheveled state was over some world peace level affair. Some mission so dangerous he came back wheezing and battered. At least enough to feel satisfied he did something worthwhile, hell he'd be glad if he had at least folded some laundry.

Alas it was nothing of the sort. From minor but noticeable scruff forming on his chin to his lack of shirt, he was only reminded he was a wreck. His usually gelled back locks were hanging in front of his eyes, limp and tangled. Even his wrist was bare of the designer watch he took extra care of. Gripping the sink he looked back into his own tired eyes, dark circles just hinting at the surface. 

A bottle of wine had reduced him to  this. A bottle of wine he had hardly even had a fucking taste of.

“Pull yourself together you sad mother f….” He trailed off as he tore his gaze away from his pitiful reflection. Loid Forger is a family man, Loid Forger is sauve, he knows he’s handsome yet is completely and utterly devoted to his wife.

His wife. She might be awake right now, perhaps she’s awaiting his presence by preparing a cup of coffee to serve him.

_ To serve him...Yor could be disheveled herself, still wearing her pajamas, or maybe her clothing from the night before. He can see her bustling in the kitchen, humming a joyful tune and swaying her hips. She turns and catches sight of him and her whole face lights up with an expression that makes Loid want to monopolize her for eternity. Her hips continue to sway as she walks toward him, delicate hands holding his coffee, delicate hands he wants to soil with his own rough ones. His hands have killed, maimed, tortured, her’s are gentle and unmarred. Those hands he felt against his chest the night before. No words are spoken when she reaches him, instead he’s greeted with lips pursed to blow gently on the mug she’s prepared.  _

“Curse that damn bottle of wine,” Loid sighs into his hands, he can’t even tell if he’s disappointed in himself for not controlling his emotions, or disappointed that the thought of Yor waiting for him was a mere daydream. He couldn’t manage to get the image of  _ Yor straddling him, face flushed, breath smelling slightly sweet from the wine, gentle traces of red on her lips, out of his head. That delicate hand once again pushing down on his chest as she leaned closer, almost close enough for him to claim her as his own.  _ But she was just out of reach, and so, so prohibited. It was torture, she was his wife, but he couldn’t allow himself the slightest bit of leeway. 

Loid was familiar with being with women, a little too much so for his emotionally detached nature, but not once had he been nervous. When he lost his virginity playing the part of a female CEOs right hand, his heartbeat was steady, concerningly so. The countless nights he’d spent as Twain in that annoying heiress's bed were meaningless to him. He trained himself to never make any move in excess, being concise and detached is what kept him alive. And it was also what made him such a success. For the first time in his career, no life, he was having trouble. 

In frustration he dragged his razor just slightly too rough against his chin. God damn he just wanted to yell. Another glance in the mirror told him a spot of bright red was marring his complexion, just enough to rise to the surface of his skin, but not trail down his jaw. The color was vibrant, almost like the violent ruby of his wife’s eyes,  _ or maybe her inflamed cheeks when she had leaned toward him, enclosing in on his face until she was hovering right where he could feel her breath on his skin. He desperately wanted to lunge forward with the anticipation. Hoping to reward himself with a kiss.  _

His head was in the gutter, so deep those disgraceful thoughts prevailed over the stinging pain of his cut. Objectifying his wife even privately made him feel profoundly guilty. That sick corner of his mind was the singular thing he had failed to tame like every other aspect of his personality. Right now he was  **[redacted]** but he desperately needed to become Loid Forger. 

The bathroom door slammed against the frame a little too hard when he mustered the will to leave. Taking special care in not making other unnecessary noise, he made his way down the hall to his room. Each step was a new struggle in banishing unwanted thoughts. No matter what he did, something in his surroundings was capable of reminding him of Yor’s soft lips against his own. Some unknown force pulled him to a stop when he was just a door away from his room. The cool morning air settled into his skin as he just stood there, hesitating. The door in front of him now wasn’t his, but Yor’s. She could be just beyond that thin piece of wood, sleeping soundly. 

_ I wonder what kind of face she’s making. _

Loid’s hand began to rise ever so slightly, his torso swiveling mere millimeters to his left before he caught himself. To step into her room while she was sleeping would be a violation of her privacy. He took a second to rack his brain for a decent excuse, “ah fuck,” of course his first thought would be to make up some reason to see her. Any reasonable man would walk away, aware he would’ve been encroaching on her private territory. 

A shirt. 

**Right.**

He needed a shirt. 

...

He wanted to stab himself, hit himself over the head, jump from the building, but it was already too late. His damned body was moving on it’s own...Might as well check if Yor’s feeling okay.

“She could have a hangover…” Loid opened the door without any more hesitation. 

Yor was a vision in white. Just as he expected she was laying, tucked deep beneath her covers. Loid had to hold in his sigh of relief, seeing as she hadn’t just passed out as she was last night. He hadn’t even taken a step beyond the door frame when his heart began to beat violently in his rib cage. Each pounding note seemingly shaking his entire being, he was nervous. Yor was ethereal, hair loose and fanning around her. Her arms latched to a pillow, the rest of her body curled perfectly around it. 

One step forward and it was too late for him, he’d dug his own grave and marked it. The momentum pulling him in was unstoppable. He made a second step and the guilt set in, he held his breath waiting for Yor to stir. He wanted something to force him out and away from her. For Yor to sit up, catch sight of him and yell, but she didn’t. She stayed perfectly still, shallow breaths causing her chest to rise and fall with steady rhythm. Loid, on the other hand, still couldn’t catch his breath. 

That third step he took, that damn third step solidified it all, his feet moved on their own from there, bringing him closer and closer to where his sleeping beauty lay. 

He halted at the foot of her bed, his shadow embracing her as the sun rose behind him. All was forgotten but the woman in front of him. His fatigue, frustration and common sense were all in the background to what he saw in the moment. Loid couldn’t stop the smile tugging at the corner of his lips.

He laughed, “I guess it can’t be helped,” and collapsed into a kneeling position beside his wife, who was deep in slumber. His hand gently grazed her cheek, stopping to wipe the tiny bit of drool trailing down her chin. Everything about this woman was adorable, dangerously so. Even Twilight couldn’t stop him from gazing intently, Loid chose to relax back into a sitting position and observe, anything more and he knew he wouldn’t be able to hold himself together. 

“Mmm…” 

Loid’s eyes widened and he froze, he clamored to his feet and contorted his face into his regular, professional mask. There’s no way Yor could be awake, if she were he’d-

“Loid I promise I’ll do my best.” Her sentence was ended with a loud  _ whump _ , Yor flopped back down on the bed, facing in the opposite direction. 

Loid only allowed himself a brief second before he let out a breath he didn’t know he had been holding. Any longer and his detached mask would crack even further, irreplaceably so. Regretting what he did was not something he was used to, but he couldn’t shake the feeling of disgust in himself. Jeopardizing his mission and allowing, actually participating in, such awful misconduct was exactly what he had been taught not to do. He couldn’t just drop everything now for Yor. 

_ She’s not real. The concept of Yor as my wife is not real. This is as fake for her as it is for me. Yor is someone who absolutely cannot get caught in the crossfire of any of my missions.  _

_ You should be ashamed of yourself.  _

And Loid was. 

* * *

A little bonus <3

Yor’s entire body was on fire. Thank god for the pillow half her face was buried into now and all of her assassin’s training up to this point. If she hadn’t begun to control her breathing the moment she awoke Loid would’ve caught on. She just knew it. 

He was hovering over her still. Without sight she couldn’t tell what he was doing. Was he waiting for her to wake up so he could scold her? Was she even in her bed or had she collapsed in his, forcing him to take the couch? The entire night was a panicked blur and his ominous presence sure wasn’t helping. 

Yor had heard the floorboards creak ever so slightly when he had walked in. A skill she made sure to perfect for her own safety. She had been on guard and ready to attack whatever intruder had entered her room, well at least until she caught a glimpse of Loid, half naked, slowly making his way toward her. It was too much for her heart to handle and she froze. Her face immediately heated up with a violent blush. Ears, chest, cheeks, all were on fire when he finally stopped mere inches from her head. 

“I guess it can’t be helped,” Loid was chuckling above her. Anxiety settled in even further, Yor couldn’t have predicted that not being able to see his face would be this bad. 

Suddenly she heard loud shuffling. The familiar noise of hardwood under barefeet was replaced by the rustling of fabric and a louder kneeling motion. God, she felt guilty letting her husband degrade himself by sitting on the floor like this. Possibly it was time for her to “wake up” the only thing holding her back was what to do after she opened her eyes. Loid could be irritated or even mad, he might run off too annoyed at her deceiving him. 

Her entire being shut down when she felt his course hand on her cheek. Loid’s hands were large and comforting but it still took every last bit of her resolve to not flinch at the sudden gesture. But the second he made contact she could tell it was an act of love. Not to get ahead of herself but the way he caressed her made her feel content and lonely at the same time. He was offering her decadent, but temporary, comfort and she was eating it right out of his open palm. His fingers brushed slightly downward and paused near her lips. The heat radiating off of his hand set her ablaze, he wiped slightly below her bottom lip with haste before retreating. The lack of his familiar touch disappointed her, Yor didn’t want to be greedy or ungrateful but she wanted more. 

He sighed, with a deep guttural tone. His voice in the morning was even more attractive than she thought possible. The rough edges and gruff tone made her heart quiver and knees weak. It was her mistake letting herself be absorbed by this man, her husband, Loid Forger, because a sigh of her own passed by her lips before she could stop it. 

“Mmm..”

_ Shit. _

She could play it off as sleep talking right? No need for her to panic. She was only adding layers to this morning of lies but the dirtiest part of her conscious wouldn’t let Loid go. Not like this, she just couldn’t come clean. 

Loid was shocked, he hurried to his feet, she could even hear his hands plaster at his sides or get shoved into his pockets. She could imagine his expression to the last hair on his brow. His mouth would be cemented into a hard line, eyes narrowed and brow raised. It gave her the shivers to think about it. The tender moment was lost. It was pitiful and desperate but she couldn’t allow it. 

“Loid I promise I’ll do my best.” To him now it may seem like senseless sleep talk, but Yor really meant it. She prayed to the gods she didn’t even believe in for her faux fatigued tone to be convincing enough. And for her message to get through to her husband. She wanted to be his wife, stand by his side, and not disappoint him like she had last night. It was a sleepy promise she wanted to uphold with her life. 

It was all too embarrassing for her to handle, with as tired actions as possible she flipped sides, eyes wide open. She stared at her wall until she swore it was smoldering. She could no longer hear Loid, but if he hadn’t left by now he would be crazy. Yor gripped her pillow with the utmost intensity for ten minutes after Loid had left. Her knuckles were stark white, though her cheeks remained red from the rush of blood to the surface of her complexion. 

Tears weren’t falling, she refused to let them but her eyes watered. Yor would write it off as a result of her pounding wine headache, but her heart was a tell tale sign. It was being wrung like a dishrag.

_ He’s not real. Loid did not marry you because he loves you, all of his affections are fake.You’ll only be hurt if you get emotionally involved because he is not. Loid is someone who would leave the second you show him your true self. How could you allow such a capable man to marry you.  _

_ You should be ashamed of yourself.  _

And Yor was.

**Author's Note:**

> I honestly feel like this fic will be pretty underwhelming considering the inspiration material but it just made me want to write about my favorite couple that's not a couple? but totally is because they're in love with each other.
> 
> Also i portrayed Loid's and Yor's inner feelings pretty differently, regarding each other (the opposite sex)
> 
> I think Loid has been raised by himself, he hasn't even been in love with someone, rather all he knows is lust and duty. His feelings for Yor would definitely manifest as some dirty thoughts at first because hey she's hot, his wife and literally saved for him. Plus that drunk stunt she pulled, DAMN. But ofc he feels real emotion for her, that he can't acknowledge, so thinking of her in that way would make him feel incredibly guilty. Hopefully Loid learns to be tender and run with his real emotions in the future.
> 
> Yor is a different type of inexperienced. Sure she's had the love of her brother but no one has ever been romantically in love with her and vice versa, before she married Loid she had never been with a man! Of course she'd be totally obvious about the way she feels but internally oblivious. Like "omg I see Loid and my heart pounds... I'm such a bad wife!!!!" you know? She holds herself back mainly because of her views of herself, and thinking she isn't good enough for a man like him, BUT HE WANTS HER, ALL OF HER!!!!!!


End file.
